I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
