I'm lost and stupid without you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Of course I have a pirate flag
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
