Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
