in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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