You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize