So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
