She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
