And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
