Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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