I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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