I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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