so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
