the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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