I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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