Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I seem to have left my pride at pride
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
