After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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