YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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