just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
