the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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