just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
