i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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