He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
