So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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