Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
