im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
