Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
