I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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