I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
