Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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