do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
