Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
As shirtless as possible
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
