i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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