so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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