I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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