Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this boner is exhausting
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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