my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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