yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I would ride that face into the sunset
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
