if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize