I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
