If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
