I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
