i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
