Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
