Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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