I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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