Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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