I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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