dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
