My first STD was from a foam party
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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