I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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