On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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