It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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