Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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