he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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