i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
