I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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