I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
