you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
