I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
