I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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