And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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