he puts the penis in happiness.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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