Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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