i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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