You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
