How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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