I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
