Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
