he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you made out with another girl for some wings
and you fell through a lawn chair
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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