i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize