hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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