i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
