i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drake has all the answers
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