i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
