The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
